Kids are Dicks

This is a true story about an over-weight 12 year old boy.

I came home from work one day. Like usual I was getting a snack and then going to pick up my son from school. When I arrived home, I was surprised to see my son sitting on the couch watching tv. I asked what he was already doing home? He replied, "I got suspended today" as his eyes started to fill with tears. I said, "for what?" He replied quietly "for fighten'."
(now my son is somewhat of a geek. In a good way of course. He knows more about computers and gadgets then making friends and social events. He is also over-weight).
"You got in a fight?!? Did ya win?" His eyes filled with tears and he looked down at the floor and softly said "no." He continued to fill in the blanks of the story. He mentioned that some older kids from school tease him a lot. And one kid inpaticular started calling him "fatty", "tubby", "porky", and so on. So I said, "Did ya punch him?" My son, still looking at the floor said "no, I never even touched him, ever." I asked, "then why were you suspended?" He slowly looked me in the eyes and said, "because of what I said to him." Like watching a suspense movie, I felt we were getting to the climax. On the edge of my seat wondering what the hell could he have said that would've gotten him suspended. So I insistantly said, "well? What did you say?" He smiled and asked "promise I won't get in trouble for telling you? I already told mom when she picked me up from school and she said I shouldn't use that kind of language and she would deal with me when she got home." I quickly said "well, if your mom already is going to deal with you, then I won't have to... so what'cha say?" He again smiled and held his head high and sat up straight, he looked at me and said "I asked the kid if he wanted to know why I was so fat? I told him that every time I fucked his mamma, she made me a sandwhich."
I could feel the pride of a father. I wanted to hold him high. (he is way to big for that, I would thow out my back) anyway, I asked him if he had said it loud enough for the other kids to hear? He said "yea, that's when the kid started hitting me." I knelted down beside him and smiled I held my hand high and gave him a hard slapped high five. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "Son, you may have gotten your ass kicked today... but I think we know who won that fight. You son, are my hero today."
This story is for all those kids who get picked on, put down, teased, made fun of because they are different, slower, shorter, fatter, skinny, not as smart. You don't have to be the strongest, fastest, tallest, smartest... (don't get me wrong, in this world it helps) But once in awhile, you get the last word in. So when that moment comes.... ...its o.k. to say "I fucked your mamma."

Smile

A smile means so much more
for those who take the time
and if ever you should look my way
i'd gladily give you mine.

Do kids have taste buds?

Think about it. You have seen kids eat some weird things. It doesn't seem to bother them. Some of the little snots even seem to enjoy it. Picking up that dried piece of cat turd out of the litter box (sometimes they even smell it first, I mean why?) then without hestitation or regret they begin to suckle it like it was the last piece of tootsie roll and they were the lucky little snot to get it. By the time you catch them they have that "just ate a box of oreo's" look in their teeth, and a big ol' grin that leaves you to believe that they are enjoying it. There is know way that the taste buds have even started to bloom.
Now here's where it gets confusing... When you go to feed them food. I mean like actual, gonna make you grow big and strong food. They turn there head, or actually say, "ewe, I don't like that." ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!? You just ate a tootsie turd and you are turning down applesauce!

Happy New Years

Its that time again. I can tell because I start burping up little gaseous reminders of the overcooked turkey, undercooked pies and a rude awakening smell of deviled eggs and beer.
I would start by wishing to resolve the usual, loose weight, work out more, spend more time with the kids, dog and wife. Perhaps even go as far as being a better employee at work. But seriously, who are we kidding.
Loose weight. Hmmm, well lets think. In today’s day and age there are more people who are considered over weight than those who aren’t. So… I would say that being over weight is average, and thus I am already where I wanted to be. (Good for me)
As for the working out. There are two reasons this would never work. One, and this is really the most important reason, it’s a lot like work. I mean seriously. All joking aside. If I were to die driving to the gym I think I would have to shoot myself. Lastly after torturing myself for an hour or so and collecting all the sweat in my shorts damn near drowning my balls, showering with a bunch of old guys who still think that they look good cause six of the old chicks at the home think so, is not my idea of a good time.
Spending more time with the kids. Are you kidding me! Have you seen the youth of today?!? What makes you think my kids are any different. I know that some people think that by spending more time with them, then they would be better people. I am supposed to compete with “myspace”, MTV’s real life and little johnny down the street who thinks my daughter is F-I-N-E! O.k. enough on that. I am getting mad and I am wanting to go beat the kids in their sleep.
As for the dog and wife. Well if the dog would give me a little less sexual attention and the wife a little more. I would be perfect in this department. The dog thinks my leg is the sexiest thing walking. I see him getting a chub just watching me stretch it in the morning. His eyes following my legs every move, then when the time is right. Bamn!! Damn dog leg rapes me. I guess its only fair. I do the same thing to the wife.
Lastly, work… It doesn’t matter if I work harder or not. I get paid the same. The routine lsucks every last bit of motivation from me like it was a fat kid sucking the filling out of an oversized twinky.
So after all is said and done... everyone raise your glasses. Here's to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!