Happy New Years

Its that time again. I can tell because I start burping up little gaseous reminders of the overcooked turkey, undercooked pies and a rude awakening smell of deviled eggs and beer.
I would start by wishing to resolve the usual, loose weight, work out more, spend more time with the kids, dog and wife. Perhaps even go as far as being a better employee at work. But seriously, who are we kidding.
Loose weight. Hmmm, well lets think. In today’s day and age there are more people who are considered over weight than those who aren’t. So… I would say that being over weight is average, and thus I am already where I wanted to be. (Good for me)
As for the working out. There are two reasons this would never work. One, and this is really the most important reason, it’s a lot like work. I mean seriously. All joking aside. If I were to die driving to the gym I think I would have to shoot myself. Lastly after torturing myself for an hour or so and collecting all the sweat in my shorts damn near drowning my balls, showering with a bunch of old guys who still think that they look good cause six of the old chicks at the home think so, is not my idea of a good time.
Spending more time with the kids. Are you kidding me! Have you seen the youth of today?!? What makes you think my kids are any different. I know that some people think that by spending more time with them, then they would be better people. I am supposed to compete with “myspace”, MTV’s real life and little johnny down the street who thinks my daughter is F-I-N-E! O.k. enough on that. I am getting mad and I am wanting to go beat the kids in their sleep.
As for the dog and wife. Well if the dog would give me a little less sexual attention and the wife a little more. I would be perfect in this department. The dog thinks my leg is the sexiest thing walking. I see him getting a chub just watching me stretch it in the morning. His eyes following my legs every move, then when the time is right. Bamn!! Damn dog leg rapes me. I guess its only fair. I do the same thing to the wife.
Lastly, work… It doesn’t matter if I work harder or not. I get paid the same. The routine lsucks every last bit of motivation from me like it was a fat kid sucking the filling out of an oversized twinky.
So after all is said and done... everyone raise your glasses. Here's to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!